Alone, but not lonely

I’ve been single for a good while now, and properly single for 3 or so years. For all of Daisy’s life, I’ve been a single parent (although her Dad is very involved with her.) The first year or two of D’s life involved LOTS of arguing, tears, shouting etc with XP, as a result of (what I believe to be) quite severe PND, and his assholelike tendancies. He also had a partner (shall we call her bitchmole hoebag Samantha?) who was… erm… less than co-operative when it came to harmonious parental relations. One day when I’m feeling nasty I’ll devote an entire blog post to her, but I’ll stick with sweetness and light for the time being. Anyway, the moment he separated from her, his attitude improved a billion time over. He was willing to communicate, interact and compromise for the sake of Daisy. I can not tell you how much nicer this has made the whole parenting process, knowing that if either of us have an issue we can bring it up without fear of arguments, threats and ridicule. There is also a lot more flexibility in terms of changing pick up and drop off times, for activities that we want D at. Basically, its no longer a complication, an ongoing problem. It just flows, at the moment.

I love being a single parent. I have strong opinions and values, and I love that I get to share them with her. I love our routines, cuddles, habits. She’s my girl. However lately I’ve been feeling the pinch of not having her Dad around. I don’t mean her Dad the person, the man who is actually her father, because there’s no way on this earth I’d go there again. I mean the concept of her Dad, two parents in one house. Things like heading out to the gym require a major planning exercise to match creche times with class times, and don’t even think about heading to the shops or out to the movies on a whim. D goes to her Dad’s at 5.30 on a Friday afternoon, and comes home on Tuesday morning. I am at work Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights. The following week, she is at his place for just the Monday night. That’s my one child free/work free nights each fortnight. I wouldn’t change anything, but its physically and emotionally draining.

 

The thing I feel like I’m lacking most in being a single parent is having someone to back me up. Someone to shoulder some of the responsibility, or to do a load of dishes now and then, or to just always be on my side. I am lucky to have some awesome friends who always have my back, but they are sorely lacking in their abilities to play big spoon in bed. It would be nice to be able to slip out to make the 6am gym classes, without it involving a sleepover at Grandma and Pops’ place. When I forget to pay the insurance bills and get run off the road by a dickhead truck driver, it would be nice to be able to say “we forgot to pay the bill” rather than having to shoulder that blame myself.

 

When eventually I repartner and we move in together, I don’t feel like it will ever be an equally shared responsibility. She is my daughter, and her Dad and I will never live in the same house. Of course, I will eventually create a new family, a household filled with kids (mine, ?his and ours) and it will work well in its own way, but at least in the early stages, it wont be fair to duck out and leave him with Daisy while I go to the gym. Or maybe it will, I don’t know.

 

Eventually one day I’ll get to have sex again too.

 

LJ xx

PS:  I found me on the internet! Bouncy bounce.

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