Sickening

Sorry for my extended absence. I am a busy woman! I’m also blatantly only good at blogging when there’s drama happening.

 

I’ve started my midwifery course and I love it. It’s absolutely what I was born to do. So much more postnatal care than I thought but I’m enjoying that too. I get to spend my days helping women and their partners learn how to be parents for the first or subsequent time. Sometimes, I get to work in the special care nursery and care for premmie or sick babies. I think the nursery is my favourite part, I love the one on one with the parents in there, teaching them how to be involved with their new squishies in less than ideal circumstances. I’ve only had the pleasure of being involved with one delivery so far, but there will be more of a focus on that in the second semester. Working nearly full time plus assignments and parenting has knobs on it, but its only temporary. I thought I was busy before, but I now understand the meaning of the word properly.

 

Things here are going wonderfully. Settlement on our tiny piece of real estate goes through in 21 days. I’d dearly love to link it here but its probably not very security conscious. If you want the link, PM me, unless you are creepy and weird. Boyfriend has really stepped up and is being ultra supportive and helpful this year. I love him and am very proud of him.

 

Lucy is at an awesome age – she’s opinionated and stubborn and just enough of a challenge to feel like I’m doing a good job at parenting. She’s spunky, intelligent and very funny. Right now, Lucy and Boyfriend are playing snatch the remote control, not sure who is laughing harder.

 

That’s all, I have 3000 words of assignment to write. Wish me luck, LJxx

Naughty vent

I try really hard not to bitch and moan about Lovechild’s Daddy on here, for a couple of reasons. He really is a good dad, always on time with money and whatnot, and although he isn’t perfect, none of us are. I hate (don’t laugh) releasing negative ‘vibes’ into the atmosphere, I’m generally a very positive person. Also, I imagine that one day in the future, Lovechild and her family might read what I’ve written here (I wish my Nan blogged.) With that said, I’m about to vent anyway.

 

For the last few years we’ve had a really good system set up, where I’ve worked night shifts over the weekends Lucy was at her Dad’s. This freed me up to do all the kindy pick ups and parent her full time when she was with me. It was awesome for all of us, L got stability, I got to be as close to a full time parent as I could be, and he got to work around his employment. This year, however, I’m working 4 shifts a week and studying another one, plus out of uni study/assignments. I’m busy, and there’s no doubt that’s impacting on her. I’ve had to book before and after school care, rope in friends and family to do pick ups and can’t be as involved in her schooling as I’d love to be. This makes me sad, makes me feel guilty and awful and sick to the stomach, even though I KNOW its the best thing for my whole little family.

 

Today, I dropped LC off at school and on my way to uni, messaged Her Dad (HD) to double check that he was picking her up, or had arranged for her to be picked up. It’s his night with her, I’m at uni till way later than she finishes school. We’ve had the discussion about me going back to full time work and study, he was well aware that that was the score now. Last week, he picked her up on his nights and took her to school the following mornings. Luckily I checked, because he “had no idea I expected him to.” After a quick whip around of friends and family and not finding anyone available to pick her up, I explained that he would have to organise something. Cue a tirade of nastiness and blame that ended with the statement “You can’t default responsibility on someone else because you want to study.” Nice. He’s since attempted an explaination that I’ve misunderstood, but I’m not entirely sure how misunderstandable that particular comment is.

 

I calmed down a little after an angry sob in the uni carpark and half a day’s distance between now and the incident. I can only imagine what the ongoing fall out from this little incident will be.

Right, I might delete this. Don’t want too much bad juju out there. LJxx

Yawn

I finished up the nursing job I’ve been doing for a few years, and am now mourning the loss of my awesome collegues, the autonomy that comes with night duty, the basic nursing care and the tricky nursing care. Still, I got into nursing to do Midwifery, and that’s where I am now. I’ve spent the last 5 days sitting in a classroom doing a crash course in pregnancy, labour, delivery and post natal care.

 

Very full on, overwhelming, lots of stress related tears this week. Boyfriend has been housesitting for both of his parents (a new niece-in-law interstate, yay) so is only home half the time so between feeding cats, dogs, study, school runs and all the day to day stuff, we’ve barely seen each other. Lovechild is in full time school and is just as wrecked as the rest of us, its so new to her. Long story short, we go out separate directions early each morning and make it back home late each night, but we get to recharge and curl up together at the end of the long long days. He surprises me every day with his support, wise words and insight. I’m reminded every day how we are both completely different and yet that works so well most of the time. It’s not perfect, but then it’s almost perfect in its imperfection. It’s just right. Still some lasting trust issues from ‘the before’ but I think they are more tied up with my anxiety than anything else, and we are working through them. He’s out with his Wombat atm, and I’m being very very brave. He hasn’t smoked, barely drinks, and is working out 3 times a week. He’s doing awesomely. Proud.

 

My diet and fitness have fallen completely by the wayside, although I am trying to be more generally active in day to day life. I’m hoping that a daytime job will help me get into a better routine food and gym wise. I’m getting into the habit of making sandwiches or salads for lunches for Boyfriend and I to take to work/uni at the same time as making Lovechild’s school lunch, which helps immensely. I’ll get there. I did quit smoking though, so that’s very awesome.

 

I feel like there’s more I was goingto blog about but to be honest, I am buggered, and my brain isn’t at its usual full level of awesome. Time for a hot shower and to curl up in bed and study a little I think. Loving the silence tonight, knowing Boyfriend will be home later and Lucy is curled up in her bed.

 

Welcome to all my new readers too. I’ve been shamelessly blogwhoring myself and I love getting new readers and commenters. I’m considering starting up a new, very anonymous blog to chronicle my Midwifery journey, but I might post the best bits here. Happy Saturday, LJxx

Bad day at the office.

Usually this job is rewarding, exciting, fulfilling. Despite my whinging, I’m often pretty fond of the job I get to do. Sometimes it sucks, but even within that suckyness is the opportunity to help people get through some pretty dark times, or to help people not get through in a peaceful, pain free way. A huge unwritten part of this role is helping patient’s family members get through the loss of their loved one.

But I stuffed up. I obviously can’t go into details because of confidentiality. This is hard to write even without details. I still feel sick when I think of it. What I did made an awful situation for a family almost unbearable for them, and I’m having a really hard time making peace with myself over it. It’s made me realize what a huge responsibility I hold in this job and by getting complacent over it, I’ve directly affected some vulnerable people in a very negative way. In 10 years time, some young adults are going to remember the day a very important person passed on, and while they may have made peace with her absence, they will remember me with negativity and channel the terrible emotions of that day at the person who made it so much worse. I wasn’t responsible for her death, that was inevitable, but I sucked at my job and they will remember that. I’ll remember that. Sure, there’s positives buried deep in it, I’ll never make the same mistake again and my other patients will benefit from that. But I can safely say that it was my worst nursing experience ever, and it shouldn’t have happened. I’m on the home stretch now in terms of medical nursing, I start my new role in just a few more shifts, but I guess it goes to show you can never stop learning and growing, even when you think you have your finger on the pulse. Almost literally.

Not even sure how to end this blog entry. Goodnight? LJxx

Crazed

Too much info coming up. You’ve been warned.

Since I’ve lost weight, my menstrual cycles (told ya) have become much more regular. That is, I actually have them at all now. I’m nerdily tracking them on an iPhone app and every month my cycle gets a day or two shorter, I’m at about 33 days now. Before, when I did get them, they were really very painful, and lock-myself-away-and-whinge-heaps heavy. Now I get a dull ache and one sharp pain, and while still heavy, they are much more manageable. One thing that seems to get worse though with each month is the PMS. I’m crazy. Irrationally angry, prone to picking fight with Boyfriend, other road users, and kindly looking old gentlemen who accidentally push in front in supermarket queues. I’m aware that it’s happening, but anger courses through my veins and I can’t help myself. It’s a little scary that it seems to be getting worse! I’ve googled and come up with some supplements that apparently help with PMS symptoms, so it might be time for a trip to the health food store I think.

While we are on the subject of periods, I want to plug a product that I love. I’ve had my Diva Cup for about 6 months now and I adore it. (here comes the TMI again). When before I’d go through a tampon in a couple of hours, the Cup gets me 6 hours or so with no constant concerns that I’ve got the dreaded leak on my jeans or work pants. It holds up through swimming, gym classes and nursing night shifts. Enviro-friendly and comes in the cutest little floral bag. I recommend everyone gets one of these. Just don’t lose it. I suspect mine’s fallen victim to an accidental drop into the bathroom bin, or a trip down the dog’s digestive system. Will be getting another one just as soon as I source a credit card for the online order.

Now all comment on this blog or you never know what this crazy hormonal woman will do. LJxx

Ouch

I have chest pain. I’m at work tonight, I’ve been checked out by our CNS, it’s not cardiac. It’s either gastric (maybe sleeve related?) lung related or maybe even referred pain from a gall bladder problem. My money is on muscular though. I’m taking tonight off work and will make sure Boyfriend finds me a doctor if I need it.

It hurts and is a teeny bit scary and I feel sorry for myself.

Pee

I made Boyfriend do a drug test. Sprung it on him and all. Passed with flying colours. So happy that now I can relax and get on with it. It means he’s been drug free for at least 90 days, and that’s good enough for me.

Happy LJ saying goodnight xx

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